dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
