you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
