guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
