Already got asked if we're dating
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Randomize
