i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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