im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Are my feet made of real feet?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
