my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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