So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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