covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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