you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
