there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
