life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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