I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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