he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
my phone needs a breathalizer
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
