My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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