I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
