drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
