You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
