last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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