Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
