Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
How external is "for external use only"?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
