I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
