I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
