I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
