Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
