He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
