Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
