Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
