He kissed a someone with a penis
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
