I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
