I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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