Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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