Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
