is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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