I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
dude. I can hear the air.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
