i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
