my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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