i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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