It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
