It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
