my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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