Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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