You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
