Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
