I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
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