He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
