I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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