I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
