I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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