You're my little dorito
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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